Define Love
by fluoroid
Summary: Celty has never felt like she has truly understood human emotions, primarily the overly convoluted feeling of 'love'. She never expected she would ever understand it completely, but all that changed one dark night.


_A/N: So, this anime is already super old news (obviously, since the forum is barely active with story updates) unlike relevant cartoons or anime, but I loved this one so much I had to write something for this pairing since I fell in love with it. Kind of a combination of the light novel and the anime depiction of this particular plot point. Spoilers for Volume 8, Chapter 3 or the animated adaptation "Durarara x2 - Ten" episode 6 and 7, which, if you haven't already seen the series, you're just as behind times as I recently was. Hence my really-late-to-the-bandwagon fic. Hopefully the few of you who give it a read like it anyway. Characters are probably a tad OOC. Idk. OTL_

* * *

Shinra Kishitani was in love with Celty Sturluson. But that had been obvious to anyone who knew him since he was a young teenager and Shinra was now well past his middle school years. It had grown gradually and more apparent as he had grown comfortable expressing his undying affection toward her, so Celty was used to it. Used to his subtle, or rather _less than subtle_ advances, figuring how to deter him effectively on each of the many occasions he tried to sneak in to catch a glimpse as she was showering, or cop a feel. Granted, sometimes she just wanted silence, which meant occasionally putting a temporary stop to the inane dribble spewing from the man's broken faucet of a mouth by clamping her shadows over him until she grew bored. She knew she cared for him too, she just wasn't sure if the feelings she had equated to what humans called "love" or if what she felt was anything like the love Shinra had for her. So she'd shrug off his gestures as mild annoyances, grateful for his care and concern. But when she wasn't looking for her head, she'd absorb herself in work, trying to maintain that careful distance between them while attempting to convince the man that she wasn't meant to be loved. After all, nothing in the job description of a dullahan gave her any hope that loving someone (let alone a human) would bring a happy ending.

 **.**

Shinra leaned his back against the couch as he stared up at the ceiling. His mind had wandered from the recent events of the night back to the headless woman of his dreams. He couldn't help it,- but he didn't exactly try to prevent it either. She was just so perfect, how could he not think about her. But for the time being, that's all he could do anyway. Celty went out in an effort to find a lead on Ruri's stalker when Shizuo and the others left, so he would likely be alone for the remainder of the evening. Daydreaming was less than ideal, but it was definitely better than sitting around doing nothing while she was out since he was done for the day- unless someone came in with another injury, which he supposed was easily in the realm of possibility considering his clientele.

Yes, she was perfect. Just the way she was. He still hoped she wouldn't find her head but with the events of something over a year ago, his concerns had subsided slightly. If only she could be content with life the way it already was. His meandering flights of fantasy drifted lazily through the room, curling in and out of the textures on the ceiling or the wall when a rap sounded at the door, causing his thoughts to suddenly dissipate back into reality. Did Celty forget something? But a quick glance told him her keys weren't in their usual spot, meaning she had remembered them this time. Besides, she could just use her shadow to create a key if she _had_ forgotten them. So then-

"Express." The voice sounded from the other side of the door.

Shinra let out a small sigh of relief and unlocked the door, propping it in as far as the limiting lock would allow. If he signed for the delivery, the package could be left at the door, no problem. He reached in his pocket for a pen, startled to find the secondary lock popped open from the outside. The door moved slowly toward him as it opened, causing Shinra to take a couple of uncertain steps backward. A nervous smile spread over his features as he braved a question to the tall man who now approached him.

"Uh, I take it, you're. . . not delivery?"

An eerie grin flashed at him as the 'delivery' man looked up at Shinra from under the brim of his hat when a foot flew into the air toward Shinra's head sending his glasses hurtling upward. The next thing the doctor knew, the man was looming over him striking him repeatedly. The man was shouting something nonsensical, posing half questions, half statements while using Ruri Hijiribe's name over and over as he dealt an unending series of punches and kicks. Shinra could hardly process any of it after hitting the ground, letting out pained gasps and moans instead of the words he meant to say. Unlike Shizuo or Izaya, he wasn't accustomed to enduring such abuse. As a result, his body responded by going into a panicked shock, trying desperately to override the pain by dulling his senses and dampening his visceral responses. He felt wet splashes as the pummeling worsened, but seeing nothing beyond the dark blurs flying into him, he could only guess it was his own blood being flung about as the man's fists recoiled, only to return as they beat again into his flesh.

A desperate sense of the need for survival suddenly shot through him. Perhaps it was simply due to the sound of a rib (or more) cracking that woke him up, but he had to do something if he didn't want to die. He instinctively threw his arms up to protect his head and face from any more damage, absorbing a vast majority of the strikes with his forearms when a loud 'pap' resonated through his body, viciously ripping a scream from his lips as the right limb broke. The man seemed to be smiling with a sick satisfaction but Shinra couldn't be too certain as stars and spots dotted his fading vision. He felt himself start to lose consciousness again when Celty entered his mind a second time, reminding him he had to get away. For her. For _him_. She was the reason he had to live. So Shinra kicked, kicked with everything he could muster, but the man simply laughed again as he caught the easily predicted retaliation at the doctor's ankle, slamming Shinra's tibia against the underside of his boot. Then again. Again. And again, until finally the force was too much for the bone to resist, breaking it completely apart along with the fibula. Another scream was elicited, but this time Shinra wasn't entirely sure it came from him. Everything was melting into a foreign black along with all sounds and sensations, nothing like the comforting void that was. . .

"Celty."

It was all that escaped him before he faded entirely into the pain filled embrace of nothing.

" _Forgive me."_

 **.**

A black clad woman stood next to her pitch dark motorbike as she scanned over her PDA. The apartment complex she sought was somewhere around here, she just needed to pinpoint the exact location before getting too close. Per Shinra's suggestion, Celty didn't want to risk being spotted since her persona was too well known. Being seen could blow the little information they did have into irrelevance, or more likely, increase the risk that already existed. It wasn't like this particular situation was _that_ different from past assignments, but she wanted to ensure precision and efficiency all the same. After determining her relative location, she moved to return to her intended route when her phone system emitted a ring. She glanced down at the screen.

" _Mikado? Why is he calling at a time like this? Wait. Why is he_ _ **calling**_ _?"_

She picked up.

"Hey! Is this Celty?" His voice was urgent. "Tap the receiver if you can hear me."

She replied with a couple of light taps, to which the boy on the other end sighed seeming somewhat relieved.

"Where are you? Are you away from your apartment right now?"

What was he asking her whereabouts for? Did he intend to meet her, or. . . no. He wouldn't sound like this if it was something that simple, so she disregarded that train of thought when his voice brought her attention back.

"If you're outside, go home immediately. I think Shinra's in danger."

Shinra in danger? If she had a heart, Celty was sure it would have cramped up just then as a frantic worry overtook her. She told herself it wasn't remotely practical to get worked up into a lather, but Mikado's tone rang clear in her thoughts, warping into a reminder of the nature of their current target. Knowing as little as they did about the stalker made him all the more dangerous since he couldn't be predicted. She retracted her PDA instantly, jumping on Shooter who let out an echoing neigh as they sped off into dusk.

Celty couldn't reach the apartment quickly enough. Every remaining traffic light and additional turn only caused her anxiety to increase, so she took the streets with greater haste, nearly plowing into oncoming traffic a few times. Upon reaching the complex, she dismounted Shooter with a leap, throwing herself into the building as hastily as she was capable.

 _"He's alright. He's alright,"_ she repeated to herself as she barreled up the stairs. _"When you get there, he'll sing your name and throw himself at you, just as he always does. Then you can push him off and laugh about it later. He's alright."_

She reached the door handle only to find it unlocked. Her core twisted as the anxiety within her swelled up again and suck like a stone, turning into a panic as she pushed the door open to find the apartment's interior completely dark. She walked into the hallway with trepidation, feeling for a grasp of her surroundings. If the stalker had come, he might still be here. But if he _was_ here, then Shinra was in trouble. So she forced herself to work her way in quickly while still taking caution when she stopped suddenly. The faint amount of light filtering from the windows lit something white on the floor, the revelation of such causing her shadow to suck inward as if in a gasp.

 _"It's to contrast your black!" Shinra smiled widely._

 _"Shinra!"_

Celty darted to where the doctor lay sprawled and unconscious, coated with and spilling far more blood than she ever wanted to see. She pulled him up gently, shaking him softly. He still appeared to be breathing, albeit with great struggle and was too broken to risk further injury, but it took every ounce of control she could muster to not shake him with all her strength. He had to open his eyes. Just open his eyes and show her that he would survive.

It wasn't the worst that could have happened. It wasn't _the worst._ That's what she told herself anyway as she continued rocking Shinra gently in a pitiful effort to arouse his awareness. He could have been kidnapped and in this condition, dying and in some unknown location. Or dead. _Don't think about that._ But. All the possible solutions ran through her thoughts, telling her she hadn't been careful enough. If she had only been more diligent. Surely she could have identified and apprehended the stalker before any of this could have happened. Surely? But she hadn't. She didn't. And the result of that incompetence was a beaten and bloodied Shinra lying in her arms while barely breathing.

She wanted to scream. Scream and fill the room with all of the pain and sorrow that surged through her at that moment. But the sound couldn't escape. There were no vocal cords to vibrate. Her screaming only echoed down the hallway as a deathly silence, destroying any peace their home had once offered. Her shadow danced angrily against the walls, filling the room with its quiet fury as her frame shook against the form of the unresponsive Shinra.

A glossy eye cracked open a slit and Celty found the man suddenly looking up at her.

"Ah- . . . Celty."

Blood seeped out from the corners of his mouth, running down his jaw to meet the puddle beneath him as he smiled weakly. Celty felt her non-existent heart shatter. He didn't want her to worry.

"It's. . . not- that bad," he whispered again. "Just- broken bones. . . a lot of them. Shizuo did more. Damage. Than this. . . But the guy was- relentless. I didn't think he'd. Keep. . . punching. And punching. He-"

Celty typed rapidly into her PDA.

"Stop talking already! I'm going to call you an ambulance!"

"Not a. . . good idea," Shinra responded tiredly. "Besides. . . how _could_ you call- them?"

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. So useless at such a critical time. She was unable to speak or do anything apart from staunch the blood escaping his failing body. And after all the years she had lived with him, never once did she bother to pick up any of the life saving skills he used on a daily basis. She berated herself as she fell further into a state of panic, her shadows swirling with an anxious uncertainty against the dark of night when Shinra spoke again.

"Inform my father. . . or Emilia." He sucked in a labored breath and she felt his core muscles contract against her, screwing his face with pain as tears leaked from his eyes before he spoke again.

"And Celty. . ."

She looked back to his eyes, his face graced with the most gentle of smiles. The most genuinely kind smile she had ever seen from him.

"Grief will conceal- your. Beautiful nature." He whispered, when shooting sensations pulsed through him and forced his eyes shut. "For me. . . Please- smile."

Celty crumbled.

" _Don't speak like you're going to die!"_

But Shinra had dropped back into an uncomfortable unconsciousness, leaving her alone in the dark with her terrified thoughts. Maybe this is what it was like to cry. All the grief and sadness piled in her center, amounting to a mass of pressure that hurt beyond anything she had ever experienced. An ache that could crush her very existence, like she might suddenly burst into a billion tiny fragments and live no more. If humans felt like this when they were sad, perhaps the tears released in crying relieved some of the immense buildup felt within. But Celty was incapable of crying, incapable of releasing the slightest emotional response, even now as she watched Shinra's life ebb from before her. Nothing could escape her with the exception of the trembles that shook her as she pulled the doctor's broken form into her shadows, cradling him, as cautiously as one handling a brittle piece of glass for fear it might shatter from a passing breath of air. She had to get him help. He couldn't die. He wasn't supposed to. Who would make her laugh? Who would she come back to every night? Who would-

Then the realization lit within her as she hastily made her way out of the apartment. Was this what it meant? Caring so much for someone that the thought they may no longer hold any presence in life causes the foundation of one's entire purpose to just collapse? The mere notion that Shinra may not last the night now scared her more than anything. It was suddenly her darkest fear. That she might not ever interact with him again. If only she had done more for him in the past, if only she had reciprocated his feelings in such a way that he knew without a doubt how much she cared. Be a little braver, and admit her feelings for him rather than keep them tucked away for fear of the worst. Because the worst had already happened, and nothing could have prepared her for this moment.

That dark, unforgiving, evil night. That night full of dread and despair. That was when she knew.

When she knew that Celty Sturluson

Loved him back.


End file.
